ADULTERY, n. democracy as applied to marriage.

BRIDE, n. [1] the person who is the first to put her foot down after being carried across the threshold; [2] a woman who looks happy but isn't -- the look is triumph; [3] a woman who wanted a man to make little advances to her during courtship and large advances after marriage

CHARACTER, n. a virtue which is formed in youth and reformed by marriage

CYNIC, n. a person who feels that divorce should cost more than marriage -- because it's worth much more

DICTIONARY, n. the only place where divorce comes before marriage

ENGAGEMENT, n. [1] that period in a man's life which can sometimes end happily -- unless it ends in marriage; [2] a word with two meanings: (1) in war, it is a battle and (2) in courtship, a sur- render

HUMOR, n. the one sure way to make a marriage last

HUSBAND, n. [1] a man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness; [2] a sensible sort of a man -- he never thinks of romance and marriage; [3] a man who has to grow old alone; [4] is much like a fire -- he goes out if unattended; [5] living proof that women can take a joke; [6] a man who has one mistake in his existence -- and keeps learning from it all his life; [7] what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been removed; [8] a person who never really becomes "good," he is merely more proficient.

HUSBAND, FAITHFUL, n. that man who is married to a trusting wife (a definition that can be either truthful or cynical)

HUSBAND, GOOD, n. a man who feels in his pockets every time he passes a mailbox

HUSBAND, HENPECKED, n. [1] a man who always consults his better half instead of his better judgment; [2] a species of worm which is afraid to turn; [3] a man who is so timid, he is even afraid to talk back to other people's wives

HUSBAND, PERFECT, n. is, in a man's second marriage, her first mate

HUSBAND, SMART, n. [1] one who thinks twice before saying nothing; [2] a man who buys his wife such fine china that she will never trust him to do the dishes; [3] a man who is never so busy bringing home the bacon that he forgets the applesauce; [4] a man who is on listening terms with his wife

HUSBAND, TRADITIONAL, n. a man who expects his wife to help him with the dishes

KISSING, n. [1] a method of getting two people so close together that they can't possibly see anything wrong with each other; [2] while, medically, it may not spread infection -- it sure lowers a girl's resistance; [3] an action that only marriage can transform from a pleasure to a duty

INFATUATION, n. a wasting disease easily cured -- by marriage

LOVE, n. [1] man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another; [2] a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses; [3] what Plato described as "a grave mental disease"; [4] something they say is blind -- it's marriage which is the real eye opener; [5] that emotion which is not true until returned; [6] that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore}; [6] what we have in common with the residents of all third-world countries; [7] is like measles -- much worse when it comes late in life; [8] the most slippery word in the human language -- used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species; [9] the only fire for which there is no insurance; [10] an emotion, even if unreturned, has its rainbow; [11] the crocodile in the river of desire {Bhartrihari c. 625}; [12] the only game that two can play and both win; [13] the last and most serious of the childhood diseases; [14] what makes marriage possible -- habit makes it last; [15] is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise; [16] a disease like measles, we all have to go through it; [17] a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred the disorder; [18] the only game that is never called on account of darkness; [19] the tie that blinds; [20] consists of happiness, given back and forth; [21] the only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds; [22] that which makes the world revolve; [23] is really just being stupid together; [24] a situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself; [25] is like a case of the measles -- all the worse when it comes later in life; [26] is a fan club with only two members; [27] the only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished; [28] the triumph of imagination over intelligence; [29] the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion; [30] a strange feeling that comes over a man -- when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name; [31] is like war -- simple to begin but the devil to stop; [32] is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties; [33] something which creates a religion that worships two fallible gods; [34] a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old; [35] a situation -- when it is true, does not mean gazing into each other's eyes, but looking outward together in the same direction life beckons; [36] something which combines the two greatest powers on earth -- war and peace; [37] the balm that heals the wounds that words make.

LOVE LETTERS, n. [1] correspondence that should always bear the salutation: "My Dearest, and Gentlemen of the Jury"; [2] are best mailed in the waste basket

LOVER(S), n. [1] people who never get tired of each other because they are always talking about themselves; [2] a person who could only be more perfect if your partner turned into a pizza at 4:00 am

LOVE SONG, n. a caress set to music

LOVE, TRUE, n. marrying a girl, even though she hasn't a steady job

LUXURIES, n. items which, by grand design, always cost more -- for example: a divorce decree costs more than a marriage license

MARRIAGE, n. [1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history; [2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage"; [3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left; [4] a very good way to promote civilization -- if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates}; [5] a pro-cess much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best -- and pay later; [6] an event which is called "tying the knot" -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose; [7] a word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity; [8] a ceremony favored in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating; [9] something that changes the demeanor of a driver -- there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel; [10] the only permanent cure for love; [11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile; [12] the only adventure open to the cowardly; [13] something which is called a feast -- unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course; [14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two; [15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them; [16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction; [17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife; [18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics; [19] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part; [20] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line; [21] in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech; [22] is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste; [23] is just a three-ring circus: engagement, wedding, and suffer; [24] the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred; [25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting; [26] the ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can't blame on the government; [27] a tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer; [28] is much like a pair of shears, so joined so the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them; [29] the continuous process of getting used to things you never expected; [30] a status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure; [31] is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the book is prose; [32] a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain; [33] in Japanese is called "Judo" -- the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear"; [34] a confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings; [35] is not a word, but a sentence; [36] a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy; [37] an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.

MARRIAGE CEREMONY, n. [1] a ritual which should be written (to cut down on divorces) -- by adding a line to the groom's questions asking: "And do you understand that from this moment on, you will be always be wrong?"; [2] a rite which a clergyman should perform at no charge -- don't they say that you shouldn't profit by other people's mistakes?

MARRIAGE, HAPPY, n. a union which is in full flower when the husband knows what to remember and his wife understands what to forget

MARRIAGE LICENSE, n. is the only permit taken out after the hunt is over

MARRIAGE, SECOND, n. the triumph of hope over experience {Dr. Johnson}

MARRIAGE, SUCCESSFUL, n. [1] one in which the husband knows when to remember and a wife knows what to forget; [2] is achieved when silence between two people is comfortable; [3] is when a husband can determine when his wife comes to the end of one argument and begins the next; [4] is when a female hypochondriac marries a pill; [5] one in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man that made them so; [6] is not so much finding the right person -- but being the right person; [7] is best assured when, instead of looking at each other, the two look out in the same direction; [8] is when either party is good at taking orders

MARRIED LIFE, n. is like the pleasure experienced when getting into a warm bath -- after a while it's not so hot

MARRIED MAN, n. a person who has learned to turn off the car motor when his wife calls: "I'll be right out"

MIRAGE, n. another, and probably more precise way, to spell marriage

MOVIE STAR, n. a Hollywood resident who cannot live in the institution of marriage -- but doesn't mind frequent visits

PARTNERSHIP, n. a legal fiction exactly like marriage, but without the major benefits

PRAISE, vt. something which, if directed to your wife, will lighten your marriage -- even if it frightens her at first.

SEX DRIVE, n. a physical craving which appears at puberty and ends at marriage

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, n. an official without the authority to perform marriages -- I guess it is because marriage is not considered a federal offense {Justice Felix Frankfurter}

WATERBED, n. a device that may help a marriage -- then again, the couple may drift apart

WIFE, n. [1] another man's folly; [2] someone who is too beautiful for words -- but not for arguments; [3] a great comfort during her husband's troubles -- those, that as a bachelor, he would never have had; [4] a lady with a whim of iron; [5] a person who sits up with you when you are sick, and puts up with you when you are not; [6] the one person who in an argument, if you win -- you lose; [7] a lady who is much like an angler -- each think the best one got away; [8] a woman who can be labeled intelligent when she sees through her husband -- she's understanding when she sees him through; [9] what a man blames things on when he can't figure a way to blame the government; [10] a woman who can spot a blond hair on her husband's coat from ten feet away but can never see a fire plug when she parks; [11] a female who would rather mend your ways than your socks; [12] a woman who, in the same breath, can complain she has nothing to wear, and is bemoaning she needs more closet space; [13] a spouse who always feels she doesn't dance enough; [14] is in trouble with her roles when her husband finds her a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bedroom; [15] a person who only lasts as long as a marriage -- an ex-wife is forever

WIFE, HAPPY, n. a spouse who is sometimes so because she has the best husband -- more often it is that she makes the best of the husband she has

WIFE, WISE, n. one who makes her husband feel as if he is head of the house when, in reality, he is only chairman of the entertainment committee

WOMAN, LIBERATED, n. a female who has sex before marriage and a job after (Gloria Steinem)