Cunning Chinese scientists invented fireworks centuries before Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. Their favorite little sparkler was a plunder-triggered land mine known as "Underground Sky-Soaring Thunder." Anyone that plucked up the plunder got triggered sky high on a wave of thunder.

Floating marine mines were invented by the Chinese in the 14th century, using inflated ox bladders. In this century they have cunningly invented marine "Smart" Mines too, mines smart enough to border on the brilliant.

Actually, they extend a little beyond the border. Chinese Smart Mines can tell the difference between Carriers and Love Boats. They can even spot the X in the plosion where the damage would be the most exasperating. That's pretty sophisticated for a government that pays people to cut grass with stainless steel scissors.

Smart Mines are dangerous even if they don't get loose into the open sea. Recent history tells us that just 1,000 Iraqi sea mines decided military strategists against an amphibious invasion in Desert Storm, and Hussein is so far behind the times that he still uses goats to keep the grass trimmed.

The Pentagon doesn't need my advice on how to trim grass on the Carriers. But obviously my skills are required by the grass-roots politicians who are just blowing hot smoke when it comes to defending us from a Chinese invasion.

"Whoa, come on now, their sam-pans would never make it across the ocean in one piece!"

You are right to be so sarcastic of course, which is why their Smart Mines are designed to let Love Boats in -- and out. Love Boats haul in chicken parts, Rice Krispies, and computer chips. Then the Love Boats haul out scissors, wrenches, and fireworks for our use.

Sending us their War Surplus scissors is just a friendly deception. It is those innocuous firecrackers that are carrying the Real Invaders.

"For crying out loud, how many chinamen do you believe can be hiding in a little bitty firecracker?"

I admit, the number is probably less than one.

But let's face facts here. During the 50th anniversary of their revolution Beijing officials firmly announced development of a helicopter the size of a wasp for its reconnaissance missions. That is positive proof of their powers of miniaturization.

Compare those powers to the best us can do: personified in Lockheed's MicroStar. It has only a six-inch wingspan and can do a 20-minute mission at speeds of up to 30 mph while relaying back a video signal. In Europe the Mainz Institute for micro technology has clearly shown that experimental wasp-sized craft can really fly. Obviously Beijing is ahead of us in micro-electro-mechanical technology, the very same method used to manufacture those tiny little microchips.

"Okay, so they are better than us. So what?"

You've heard of the French Connection?
Well, think of this as the Crabgrass Connection:

No. They are not sending Chinese midgets over here inside their firecrackers; The plot is far more sinister than that.

I believe they are infiltrating our shores with Chinese Crabgrass.

Americans told them how to do it, of course. For years now our scientists have used four-legged Johnny Appleseeds to help restore our home on the range.

They do it by feeding cattle little gelatin capsules filled with native grass seeds. A Department of Agriculture plant geneticist indicates that as many as 55,000 seeds can be hidden in a single capsule!

These grass-loaded capsules pass through the kine in a few days and plop out in a patty of pure fertilize, miles and miles away. The sun opens the package, and the winds of nature broadcast the rest.

Chinese Fireworks don't have to wait on the wind to spread their seeds.
A blast, poof,
and who's to even notice the tatters floating down?

Evidence supporting my belief in the Crabgrass Connection is pretty damning: With 628,000,000 pounds of herbicide being used in the United States every year, some of the crabgrass ought to be disappearing. But you know as well as I do, you have more crabgrass in your yard than ever. You can smell those seeds coming from somewhere, and it isn't Denmark.

When is the last time you bought a firecracker that was not made in China? The fact is, last year we bought over 79,000,000 pounds of fireworks from Communist China, miniaturizing champion of the world.

Is there any way to check all of them for that sprinkling of Chinese Crabgrass seeds?

Indeed, are ANY of these firecrackers checked thoroughly?

Any country that would sow the seas with Smart Mines would sow our sod with crabgrass with even less scruples showing. And they would not hesitate a second just because we shoot off their fireworks on New Year's Eve and the 4th of July, either.

That is twice a year (once before crabgrass germination time and once during the flowering season) that we explode their little caches in displays of ecstatic loyalty right over the top of our Nation's Capital.

{With every blast the seeds of destruction are being scattered all over Washington. Why some of that crabgrass must fall right on the White House lawn itself.} Meanwhile, all the evidence is blown sky-high by our own hands in dazzling bursts of star spangled affection.

The state capitols and other large cities are scarcely less ecstatic with their displays.

From shore to shining shore, 98% of the fireworks we import from China is exploded in less than eight hour bursts. If just one cracker in a thousand is popping with half a load of Chinese Crabgrass it is easy to explain why we now need second-rate scissors from China more than they do!